“I want to make bows.”: Personal

Friday, August 7, 2009

He could tell I was starting to crack about 11 pm. It was the day of my birthday, and while thrilled to have the opportunity to work the next day, I was sad that I had to cash out of my family par-tay to finish tying up some loose ends for my presentation the next day. I already did not feel super, and then when things started to go down-hill with everything that I had prepared and every piece of technology I needed, I started to crack.

My husband sat beside me for an hour, trying to help me, trying to encourage me, telling me to stay positive, to pray and ask God to help me, which is all true and sounds so sweet as I write it. But truth be told, I wanted to kill him and his “can do” attitude at the time, and I, of course, with my verbal, confrontational self, let him know. He muttered something underneath his breath and disappeared to the bedroom. I continued, hard at work to retrieve documents, make something work, something appear, sweating & feeling as if I was going to throw up the whole time, and when I couldn’t handle it anymore they began, sobs, squeels, & trying to catch my breath in-between….

After a few minutes, Kevin tried to come comfort me. But it was too late. I was in the middle of what I would describe as a nervous breakdown. I was uttering things, when I could get my breath, that I never would have if I was sane. The stress of life had come to a head and it burst like the fattest, helium-pumped balloon. No matter what I did, I couldn’t stop. I cried more tears than I ever had before. I sometimes wondered if I would ever be able to breathe normally or calm down, and at 4 am, I finally tried to rest.

Now, if you know me, you know I am not an overly-emotional, sappy girl, or at least I didn’t use to be. I mean I sat through the Titanic & The Patriot (need I go on) with my friends, pretending to wipe tears from my eyes, because I couldn’t even work up ONE!!! (Sidenote: I think this is why I love Cameron Diaz, in The Holiday, SO MUCH!) But ever since I felt God calling me away from teaching, I feel as if He has dunked me in a bowl full of water and has been wringing me out ever since. It’s awful!

The tears from this night were deeper than my computer failing. The questions I’ve had since I resigned were on the forefront of my brain, probably a little to do with my 26th birthday, another year gone. Questions like: What purpose did God give me for this life? Am I where he wants me to be at this point? Doing what he wants me to do? The jobs that I am able to hold are a blessing, no denying it, but I so often feel that I’m taking my talents and efforts and having to divide them up over and over and over and over and over (You get the point). I love everything I do, really, I do, but not pouring into one of those things goes against my very nature. I feel I can’t be competitive & the best at what I do, and trying to be is even more exhausting, truth be told.

Laying in bed, towards the end of my tears and babbling for way too long about the whys and whats of my life to Kevin, he asked what I needed to do for myself. What he could do for me? And I said…. I want to make bows & hairpieces. Stupid I know. And maybe not the dramatic answer you were hoping for…But it’s not on a computer. I get creative freedom. They are not something I HAVE to do. Just something I enjoy. Most importantly, they take my worries on a long needed vacation. So that’s what exactly what I did. For hours.  And hours.  And then some more hours. :/

I am still praying that God will reveal to me His purpose, and in the meantime thanking Him for using my time and talents to provide for my family and be at home more. If I have learned anything from this year it is that uncertainty brings stress, and with stress comes tears. Lots of tears!!! So until the answer comes, my child might have a new hairpiece every time you see her!

Love, Hannah

PS: To view an awesome story of a guy who was faced with choosing God’s purpose for his life, click here. You will not be disappointed!!! To read his wife’s side of the story, click here. She happens to be one of my favorite photogs. Happy reading (What an oxymoron?!)!