All my love, Kevin (2-16-09)

If you ever come to my house this is the poem you will read on my fridge.  I keep it there because it was casually placed there by my husband, because he just wanted me to notice it.  Some girls get other prizes, I get poems, always have, hope he always will. I cry when I read it because I am constantly forgetting how good I have it.  I forget and take for  granted that I have an awesome husband who tells me that he loves me and wants to make me happy more than anything in the world almost everyday.  I forget that I was challenged to pray for the husband God wanted me to have since I was born (feels that way anyway), and that he answered my prayers to the nth degree.  I forget all the wives who are living in situations where they do not feel respected, loved, or adored.  I forget that I am his main source of encouragement.  I forget that he needs me just as much as I need him.  I just forget.

I’m hard on Kevin, sometimes probably too hard.  I challenge him, I push him, and occasionally he pushes back and catches me off guard, like whoa.  I critique him. I judge him. I expect a lot out of him. I think he can do anything.  I hold him to his word like white sticks to rice.  I complain to him.  I tell him what he can do better.  Sometimes more than once a day.  :/  But I do love him.

I can’t think of anyone on the planet that I could co-exist with and get along most of the time.   We have fun together.  We laugh at each other.  We cry together (that’s mostly me).  We dance in the middle of the living room.  We sing like we are performing for a packed house.  We talk about the future.  We dream together.  We sit on the couch watching Gray and say over and over again how much we love her and can’t believe God gave her to us.

He washes the clothes and the dishes probably more than I do.  He makes sure that the trash and recycle bin are always out before the leaves for work on Wed. mornings.  He changes dirty diapers, his first ever in the hospital room.  He mows the lawn and weed eats.  He mows other people’s lawns in our neighborhood because he wants to serve Jesus.  He gets on his knees and prays for me, for us.  He never complains.  He loves Jesus more than he could ever love me.  He deserves me even though he swears often that he doesn’t.  He says he loves my cooking.  He resigns from his duties to help lighten my load.  He takes charge, but still lets me think I’m in charge.  He always has the best of intentions.  He deals with me on a daily basis, enough said.

My hubby has had a heck of a transitional week, job wise.  He is the love of my life, and he did not pay me or force me to write any of this!   In fact, I think this blog will be an excellent test to see how often he checks my blog!  Told you, I’m a handful!

My husband sat beside me for an hour, trying to help me, trying to encourage me, telling me to stay positive, to pray and ask God to help me, which is all true and sounds so sweet as I write it. But truth be told, I wanted to kill him and his “can do” attitude at the time, and I, of course, with my verbal, confrontational self, let him know. He muttered something underneath his breath and disappeared to the bedroom. I continued, hard at work to retrieve documents, make something work, something appear, sweating & feeling as if I was going to throw up the whole time, and when I couldn’t handle it anymore they began, sobs, squeels, & trying to catch my breath in-between….

After a few minutes, Kevin tried to come comfort me. But it was too late. I was in the middle of what I would describe as a nervous breakdown. I was uttering things, when I could get my breath, that I never would have if I was sane. The stress of life had come to a head and it burst like the fattest, helium-pumped balloon. No matter what I did, I couldn’t stop. I cried more tears than I ever had before. I sometimes wondered if I would ever be able to breathe normally or calm down, and at 4 am, I finally tried to rest.

Now, if you know me, you know I am not an overly-emotional, sappy girl, or at least I didn’t use to be. I mean I sat through the Titanic & The Patriot (need I go on) with my friends, pretending to wipe tears from my eyes, because I couldn’t even work up ONE!!! (Sidenote: I think this is why I love Cameron Diaz, in The Holiday, SO MUCH!) But ever since I felt God calling me away from teaching, I feel as if He has dunked me in a bowl full of water and has been wringing me out ever since. It’s awful!

The tears from this night were deeper than my computer failing. The questions I’ve had since I resigned were on the forefront of my brain, probably a little to do with my 26th birthday, another year gone. Questions like: What purpose did God give me for this life? Am I where he wants me to be at this point? Doing what he wants me to do? The jobs that I am able to hold are a blessing, no denying it, but I so often feel that I’m taking my talents and efforts and having to divide them up over and over and over and over and over (You get the point). I love everything I do, really, I do, but not pouring into one of those things goes against my very nature. I feel I can’t be competitive & the best at what I do, and trying to be is even more exhausting, truth be told.

Laying in bed, towards the end of my tears and babbling for way too long about the whys and whats of my life to Kevin, he asked what I needed to do for myself. What he could do for me? And I said…. I want to make bows & hairpieces. Stupid I know. And maybe not the dramatic answer you were hoping for…But it’s not on a computer. I get creative freedom. They are not something I HAVE to do. Just something I enjoy. Most importantly, they take my worries on a long needed vacation. So that’s what exactly what I did. For hours.  And hours.  And then some more hours. :/

I am still praying that God will reveal to me His purpose, and in the meantime thanking Him for using my time and talents to provide for my family and be at home more. If I have learned anything from this year it is that uncertainty brings stress, and with stress comes tears. Lots of tears!!! So until the answer comes, my child might have a new hairpiece every time you see her!

Love, Hannah

PS: To view an awesome story of a guy who was faced with choosing God’s purpose for his life, click here. You will not be disappointed!!! To read his wife’s side of the story, click here. She happens to be one of my favorite photogs. Happy reading (What an oxymoron?!)!

I would go through a drive-thru window and the employee would be staring at me all wierd. Then she’d walk over to some other employees and motion to the window. They’d all start to look over at me and finally somebody would have guts enough to come to the window and say the line I’ve heard 234,754,234+ times….”You know who you look like?” Umm, yep. I do. Kelly Clarkson. I’m not her. “Ok..if you say so…but OMG, you look just like her.” Well, thanks, could I get some extra ketchup please? A couple of times, just looking like her was enough for some people. They would ask hesistantly, “Could you just take a picture with us anyway?” Sure.

My favorite is when people can’t figure out who I look like. They stare and stare and stare and stare. Finally, they own up to the staring and tell me that I look like someone they know, but they just can’t put their finger on it. Ummm…I get Kelly Clarkson a lot. “Yes, that’s it, OMG, you look just like her!”

The way I figure it, this could end up being a good thing. If she stays around for a bit, I might could get an impersonation job or body double thing going…..{Kelly, since I know you read this, call me!}

Anyway, you be the judge. My church is doing a series called “My Life Would Suck Without You! (Lyrics by Kelly Clarkson), and there could be a few more comparisons after next Sunday. Mainly, how my voice doesn’t even come close to her set of pipes. You’ll just have to come to find out.

My mom is awesome and like my facebook and dad announced, my mom is hott too. My mom started with me and then didn’t stop having kids until 14 years later! She has been mom-ing it for a long while now. Most of her weekdays and weekends are still wrapped up in performing momly duties!

I love my mom, because she is up for anything. I can’t remember how many really late movies we’ve been to. I love my mom, because she can outshop the best shopper. She is like the enegizer bunny…I never could and still can’t keep up with her, and I’m in my freakin’ twenties. I love my mom, because she loves back. She never ignores the bad, but she is the one in our family trying to find the good. I love my mom because she does not have sarcastic DNA like the rest of the people living in her house and my house. I love my mom because she loves to laugh and make people laugh. You should see her dance, right Ev? I love my mom, because she serves Jesus and her family.

This is my second mom’s day. I LOVE being a mom. I can’t even tell you how many times a day I tell Gray that I love her. Then, when she is in bed and it’s just Kevin and I, we are still talking about how much we love her and being parents. It’s a love that is more intense than any other love I’ve ever experienced. I don’t think twice about giving her my last bite of whatever I’m eating, would let her hug all over me with popsicle or whatever dripping from her face and limbs, and would make less money to be near her more, etc. I FREAKIN LOVE HER SO MUCH!

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what kind of mom I want to be to Gray. The biggies are:#1, I want to show her what it’s like to love Jesus, a husband, the church, and her crazy unconditionally. #2, To make sure that she knows, and might not understand at times, that whatever decisions are made will be in her best interest. #3, To pray over her and all the gifts God has already given her everyday!

This is the glamorous life of being a new mom last year @ the beach!

And here is my Hott mom!

Then, they get a little more serious as you get older. Will I study to make good grades? Am I willing to lie to parents to get what I want? Will I be wise about who I surround myself with?

Then after college the biggest crossroads hit ya smack dab in da face. I remember on my first day of teaching, I felt like I was going to throw up all over myself. Had I made the right career decision, had I just wasted four precious years of my life preparing to do the thing that was now provoking pukage???

Crossroads are inevitable. And it all comes down to what we do when we hit them. We can choose to sit there and be annoyed and miserable that the path before us is not crystal clear, and get absolutely nothing accomplished, except for perfecting depression. OR! We can know that God has a plan for our life and be ok with it.

You see, I’ve been sitting at a crossroad for quite some time now. And the thing that God has been teaching me is that balancing four jobs and being clueless about the future is exactly where He wants me… I am often overwhelmed at the peace God’s given me about being where I am in life.

Another person that has hit a crossroad a time or two in his life is my brother, Josiah. Someday, his story will be for him to tell, but I will tell you that I’m proud of him for overcoming these crossroads, dusting off his boots, and deciding to do what he believes is right for him.

These are pics taken awhile ago at Fort Jackson at army graduation. To hear 400+ soldiers on a field reciting the soldiers creed, yelling it out at the top of their lungs, in unison, will send chills down your spine.

I am an American Soldier.
I am a Warrior and a member of a team.
I serve the people of the United States and live the Army Values.
I will always place the mission first.
I will never accept defeat.
I will never quit.
I will never leave a fallen comrade.
I am disciplined, physically and mentally tough, trained and proficient in my warrior tasks and drills. I always maintain my arms, my equipment and myself.
I am an expert and I am a professional.
I stand ready to deploy, engage, and destroy the enemies of the United States of America in close combat.
I am a guardian of freedom and the American way of life.
I am an American Soldier.

Enjoy a few pics from the day and of our soldier.

Thursday, we were to celebrate our 4th wedding anniversary. However, being called out of town to work kind of moved the plans to Friday evening. I already knew that we were going to eat at one of my FAVORITE places, the Bistro, and then going to stay at the beautiful Barefoot Resort to relax on Saturday. We said that it would be our gift to each other, and since we had a gift certificate for both, it was turning out to be an awesome gift that was also economical.

Friday I drove all the way back from Beaufort and had a couple hours to recover and get to the restaurant. My husband was being neurotic about being there on time, so not unusual! We dropped Gray off, and proceeded to the restaurant. On the way there, he told me that he had a couple more suprises for me and mentioned that he was a little nervous. By the way, I HATE SUPRISES, if I know about them!!! I immediatley began to try and get it out of him, but he wouldn’t budge. He did tell me he would give me a hint, and pulled out a cd with a picture of us on top. So pictures or a song. My mind was working hard!

We got to the restaurant, and I told him that I had butterflies….. Did you put flowers on the table or something for me??? Ssshh, Hannah, just wait.

We finally got seated, and as we walked to our table on the terrace, I felt like everyone in the restaurant was burning a hole through me. I heard some music, and realized that the huge speaker system it was coming from was sitting on the table the waitress was walking towards. I then listened a little closer and realized that it was my husband singing. We have a seat at our table, the music is still BLARING, and then we stop to listen. It’s one of my favorite love songs: There’s Nothing Fancy About the Way I Love You. I was pretty floored. My husband who three years ago wouldn’t sing this loud enough in the car where I could hear him, was really putting himself out there.

I leaned across the table to express how awesome it was and how much it meant to me. He said, “you know I was going to ask you to dance”. To which I responded, only if you make me.

With people still awwing and staring, we managed to enjoy the rest of our dinner. After dessert, the waitress brought out a gift for me. I stared at him, like, what the heck?! I opened my gift, a shootsac, and didn’t really know what to say. I had wanted one for a LONG WHILE. He assured me that I deserved it and that he wanted to get it for me. We left, went to catch a movie, slept hard, and got up to enjoy the sunshine the next day. It was the perfect anniversary.

I have the best husband in the world.