Beautiful
September 1, 2009 in PersonalShe hates surprises. She loves wholeheartedly. She’s selfless. She listens. She’s humble. She’s Godly. She’s sensitive, but not afraid of being aggressive. She’s strong. She’s talented. She’s gifted. She has a light about her that shines so bright. She’s the type of person you always want to be around. She’s caring. She can make you feel happy on the worst of days. She is an amazing teacher. She’s intelligent. She makes you feel like a better person just being in her presence. She’s contagious. When you leave her you can’t wait to see her again. She’s infectious. She glows like the sun when it rises. She’s gorgeous. She’s the sunshine after the rain. She the friend everyone wants, and the mommy every kid should have. She’s the wife a man dreams about, and the best friend everyone prays for. She’s a gift from God, a true angel on this Earth. She’s my wife, Gray’s mommy, a blessing in our lives. She’s beautiful.
All my love, Kevin (2-16-09)
If you ever come to my house this is the poem you will read on my fridge. I keep it there because it was casually placed there by my husband, because he just wanted me to notice it. Some girls get other prizes, I get poems, always have, hope he always will. I cry when I read it because I am constantly forgetting how good I have it. I forget and take for granted that I have an awesome husband who tells me that he loves me and wants to make me happy more than anything in the world almost everyday. I forget that I was challenged to pray for the husband God wanted me to have since I was born (feels that way anyway), and that he answered my prayers to the nth degree. I forget all the wives who are living in situations where they do not feel respected, loved, or adored. I forget that I am his main source of encouragement. I forget that he needs me just as much as I need him. I just forget.
I’m hard on Kevin, sometimes probably too hard. I challenge him, I push him, and occasionally he pushes back and catches me off guard, like whoa. I critique him. I judge him. I expect a lot out of him. I think he can do anything. I hold him to his word like white sticks to rice. I complain to him. I tell him what he can do better. Sometimes more than once a day. :/ But I do love him.
I can’t think of anyone on the planet that I could co-exist with and get along most of the time. 
We have fun together. We laugh at each other. We cry together (that’s mostly me). We dance in the middle of the living room. We sing like we are performing for a packed house. We talk about the future. We dream together. We sit on the couch watching Gray and say over and over again how much we love her and can’t believe God gave her to us.
He washes the clothes and the dishes probably more than I do. He makes sure that the trash and recycle bin are always out before the leaves for work on Wed. mornings. He changes dirty diapers, his first ever in the hospital room. He mows the lawn and weed eats. He mows other people’s lawns in our neighborhood because he wants to serve Jesus. He gets on his knees and prays for me, for us. He never complains. He loves Jesus more than he could ever love me. He deserves me even though he swears often that he doesn’t. He says he loves my cooking. He resigns from his duties to help lighten my load. He takes charge, but still lets me think I’m in charge. He always has the best of intentions. He deals with me on a daily basis, enough said.
My hubby has had a heck of a transitional week, job wise. He is the love of my life, and he did not pay me or force me to write any of this! In fact, I think this blog will be an excellent test to see how often he checks my blog! Told you, I’m a handful!
“I want to make bows.”: Personal
August 28, 2009 in PersonalHe could tell I was starting to crack about 11 pm. It was the day of my birthday, and while thrilled to have the opportunity to work the next day, I was sad that I had to cash out of my family par-tay to finish tying up some loose ends for my presentation the next day. I already did not feel super, and then when things started to go down-hill with everything that I had prepared and every piece of technology I needed, I started to crack.
My husband sat beside me for an hour, trying to help me, trying to encourage me, telling me to stay positive, to pray and ask God to help me, which is all true and sounds so sweet as I write it. But truth be told, I wanted to kill him and his “can do” attitude at the time, and I, of course, with my verbal, confrontational self, let him know. 
He muttered something underneath his breath and disappeared to the bedroom. I continued, hard at work to retrieve documents, make something work, something appear, sweating & feeling as if I was going to throw up the whole time, and when I couldn’t handle it anymore they began, sobs, squeels, & trying to catch my breath in-between….
After a few minutes, Kevin tried to come comfort me. But it was too late. I was in the middle of what I would describe as a nervous breakdown. I was uttering things, when I could get my breath, that I never would have if I was sane. The stress of life had come to a head and it burst like the fattest, helium-pumped balloon. No matter what I did, I couldn’t stop. I cried more tears than I ever had before. I sometimes wondered if I would ever be able to breathe normally or calm down, and at 4 am, I finally tried to rest.
Now, if you know me, you know I am not an overly-emotional, sappy girl, or at least I didn’t use to be. I mean I sat through the Titanic & The Patriot (need I go on) with my friends, pretending to wipe tears from my eyes, because I couldn’t even work up ONE!!! (Sidenote: I think this is why I love Cameron Diaz, in The Holiday, SO MUCH!) But ever since I felt God calling me away from teaching, I feel as if He has dunked me in a bowl full of water and has been wringing me out ever since. It’s awful!
The tears from this night were deeper than my computer failing. The questions I’ve had since I resigned were on the forefront of my brain, probably a little to do with my 26th birthday, another year gone. Questions like: What purpose did God give me for this life? Am I where he wants me to be at this point? Doing what he wants me to do? The jobs that I am able to hold are a blessing, no denying it, but I so often feel that I’m taking my talents and efforts and having to divide them up over and over and over and over and over (You get the point). I love everything I do, really, I do, but not pouring into one of those things goes against my very nature. I feel I can’t be competitive & the best at what I do, and trying to be is even more exhausting, truth be told.
Laying in bed, towards the end of my tears and babbling for way too long about the whys and whats of my life to Kevin, he asked what I needed to do for myself. What he could do for me? And I said…. I want to make bows & hairpieces. Stupid I know. And maybe not the dramatic answer you were hoping for…But it’s not on a computer. I get creative freedom. They are not something I HAVE to do. Just something I enjoy. Most importantly, they take my worries on a long needed vacation. So that’s what exactly what I did. For hours. And hours. And then some more hours. :/
I am still praying that God will reveal to me His purpose, and in the meantime thanking Him for using my time and talents to provide for my family and be at home more. If I have learned anything from this year it is that uncertainty brings stress, and with stress comes tears. Lots of tears!!! So until the answer comes, my child might have a new hairpiece every time you see her!
Love, Hannah
PS: To view an awesome story of a guy who was faced with choosing God’s purpose for his life, click here. You will not be disappointed!!! To read his wife’s side of the story, click here. She happens to be one of my favorite photogs. Happy reading (What an oxymoron?!)!